档案局的工作并不繁忙,除了周末双休外,尤里安还可以在每周三享受一次轮休。这样,尤里安就能在网球场,或者和女友卡琳——这是她的昵称——一同度过这可贵的周中假日。这个星期三,尤里安同往日一样,准备去物理学院等卡琳下课,再和她一同去看电影。
卡琳准时下了课,轻盈地出现在尤里安面前。“我给你带了喝的。”她摇晃着两罐可口可乐朝尤里安眨眼。尤里安快乐地接过其中一个易拉罐,将它放进自己的背包里,拉起卡琳的手向电影院的方向走去。这对年轻情侣愉快地走在校园中,卡琳橘红色的长发随着她的步伐轻轻拍打尤里安的手臂,他们一边走一边聊着最近发生的人和事,朝空气中呼出一团团白气。当他们即将走过图书馆时,一张海报将尤里安拽出了与卡琳的二人世界。
尤里安放缓了脚步,直直地盯着海报上的内容——这是一场学术讲座的预告,下周一上午9点钟,地点在东亚研究所二楼,主题是——这些都不在尤里安的关注范围内,攫住他注意力的是那张主讲人的照片——掺杂着几缕银白色的黑色头发、柔和的眉眼、清瘦的脸庞,以及那双漆黑又深邃的眼睛。尤里安将视线下移,出现了一个东方式姓名——杨威利教授。
“等等。”尤里安拽住卡琳的衣袖,后者停了下来看向尤里安,“这是……你们大学的教授?”尤里安想,难怪自己总觉得在哪里见过他。
“是啊,这上面写着呢——柏林自由大学历史学C4教授 ,怎么了?”卡琳看看海报,不解地看着尤里安,“敏兹记者什么时候又对历史学开始感兴趣了?”
“不,你还记得我上上周给你说过的那件事吗?”尤里安期待卡琳在自己的记忆里找出一些信息,后者却直接摇头说:“你话太多了,我根本记不起来是哪一件。”
“就是那个——”尤里安的声音抬高了一些,“我在档案局上班时,有一位老人来查档案,可是他查的既不是自己,也不是亲属,他要查的人名字里带冯——现在除了不来梅和汉诺威的那群人,其他人基本上都快放弃这个无意义的符号了——因为这个的缘故,我记得非常清楚。”
“奇了怪了,他为什么要查这个人的档案呢?”卡琳的疑问不仅没有得到解答,反而加深了许多。
“据他说,他们是朋友。”尤里安认为这个回答并不具有说服力,但暂时也找不到更好的答案。
“还是不明白。”卡琳摇了摇她的漂亮脑袋,又抬起手腕看了看表,说:“电影快开始了,我们走吧。”尤里安点点头,搂住卡琳往电影院方向走去。
电影是让-雅克·阿诺的新片,刚在巴黎上映不久。无论是题材还是风格,这都是尤里安最喜欢的那一类,然而,也许是故事的东方题材发散了尤里安的思绪,他的脑海里一直出现杨威利在办公室里紧抿嘴唇的样子,和他当时那双闪烁的黑眼睛。冷战是结束了,可谁知道终于捱过来的人究竟经历了什么呢?尤里安想起他那做记者的父亲,曾以文笔出众和富有正义感在东德新闻界颇有声望。然而,随着政府的政策越来越收紧,他的夜熬得越来越多,话却越来越少,来找他的人越来越多,他接下的采访却越来越少。“我很抱歉。”这是后来的他对来访者说得最多的话。即使这样,他还是消失了。有一天早上,他出门采访,之后就再没回来。两天后,三名自称是“国家公职人员”的中年男子敲开他的家门,向他和母亲展示了一张死亡证明,根据证明的内容,他的父亲于离家当天在城郊池塘边钓鱼时不慎落水溺亡。“请在三日内到殡仪馆认领遗体,我很抱歉,敏兹夫人。”尤里安噙着满眼的泪水看着三位中年男子留下一句冰冷的安慰然后离开。就这样,尤里安那从不钓鱼的父亲,躺在不锈钢床上,肺部充满小池塘的水,未获得一分钟的陈述便进入了永远的沉默之中。
尤里安的心绪不宁一直持续到电影散场,当他站在路口心不在焉地对着卡琳随机点头时,卡琳终于忍不住拐了他一下,说:“哎,绿灯亮了。”尤里安用鼻腔回答了卡琳一声,抬脚就向街对面走去。忽然,他感到自己被一只手猛地拽回人行道,同时,卡琳的声音在他的耳边响起来。
“你是不是还在想那位教授的事?”卡琳用手指了指人行道上还亮着的红灯,朝他吐了吐舌头,说:“既然你那么在意,为什么不亲自去问问他?”
“可是我下周一要上班……”尤里安有些犹豫地说。
“请假就好了,还是说档案局只有你一个工作人员?去吧,就当是一次采访,你不是一直对东德往事很感兴趣吗?说不定他也有故事要讲。”
在卡琳的鼓励下,尤里安内心的天平又向某个选项倾斜了几分,最终,他点头认同了卡琳的建议。绿灯亮了,两个人向街的对面走去。正走着,尤里安忽然又想到了另一个问题。
“你怎么知道我不是因为刚才的电影才走神的?”
“因为——像你这样话多型电影爱好者,无论影片怎样,总是要和我讨论一番。可今天,无论我谈起剪辑、剧情还是演员,你都不感兴趣。排除这个变量后,会造成你今天心情波动的只可能是那张海报了。”
“相当严谨的推理!”尤里安朝卡琳竖起大拇指,后者得意地扬起眉毛,说:“那当然,你女朋友可是个强悍的理性派。”
周一眨眼便到了,尤里安按照海报上提供的讯息来到会场。他选了第一排靠出口的座位,认为这样比较方便他在必要的时候截住这位杨教授。随着会场的人越来越多,尤里安开始好奇地观察起今天的听众们——有一部分是和自己年龄相仿的人,看上去像是在读学生。另一部分人的年龄大概在三十岁到六十岁之间,不出意外应该是相关领域的学者。尤里安在高中时代对历史一度很有兴趣,在十年级的历史课上还经常拿到1分的好成绩 。只是比起理论研究,尤里安更倾向于实践,因此在升学时,他选择了实践意味更强的新闻学专业。虽然尤里安无法用专业的眼光去评价主讲席上的这位教授,他仍然从杨威利洗练的语言、严谨的实证和深切的关怀中掌握了许多“这是一位优秀的历史学家”的间接证据。尤里安看着台上杨威利双眼中发散出的笃定的光,实在有些难以相信,也是这双眼睛,曾在自己面前闪烁得那样哀愁。
上午十二点,当杨威利回答完最后一个提问者的问题后,主持人宣布本场讲座到此结束。折叠座位弹起时发出的声音开始此起彼伏地回荡在会场上空,尤里安用目光关注着杨威利的动向,见他提起公文包走向出口,便从座位上一跃而起,尽可能自然地朝他所在的方向快步走去,杨威利走出教室后没多远,便被尤里安从身后叫住了。
“杨教授您好,我是——”没等尤里安说完,杨威利便开口说:“我记得你,你是档案局的那个年轻人。”
“是的,您记忆力真是好。”尤里安在心里为这样卓越的记忆力发出一声赞叹。
“谢谢。不过,有时候记忆力太好反而会带来一些困扰——想记住的倒是记住了,想忘掉的也没法忘。”杨威利淡淡地说,然后,他向尤里安问出了一个关键的问题。
“你有什么事吗?”
“我……我前几天走过图书馆,看到了您的海报。”尤里安有些担心,如果照实说出前来的意图,对方会不会要求自己立即离开,于是,他说:“您的讲授十分精彩。”
“噢,谢谢。你以前也是这里的学生吗?”杨威利问道。
尤里安如实回答:“不,是我女朋友在这里上学,我是在洪堡读的大学。”
尤里安惊讶地发现,自己的回答竟让杨威利的双眸亮了起来,紧接着,他听见杨威利说:“真是巧了,我也是在洪堡读的大学。那个时候,还没有柏林墙,我住在西柏林,每天穿过腓特烈大街到东柏林上课,下课了就去逛书店,或者顺着菩提树下大街走到施普雷河边散步,脑子里只有书和自己的研究,他人的纷扰、时代的风云彷佛都与我无关。像那样简单又快乐的生活,我已经很久没有体会到了。”忽然,尤里安看见杨威利垂下视线,陷入了沉默。然后,他似乎又笑了一声,用更柔和一些的语气说:“我……和先寇布也是在那个时候认识的。”
尤里安不确定自己倒吸冷气的声音有没有被杨威利听到,他始终没想到这件事最终会由对方主动提起。他按捺住心中的紧张,谨慎地问杨威利:“如果不介意的话,您想和我聊聊他吗?”
“如果你不嫌我年纪大了说话啰嗦,我倒是知道附近有一家很合适的咖啡馆。”见尤里安果断地表示赞同后,杨威利说:“我想,这些事现在说出来已经不要紧了。”
柏林自由大学附近的咖啡馆里,杨威利和尤里安坐在一张木制小圆桌的两端,杨威利用小勺舀起一块方糖溶进咖啡中,平和的脸庞下藏着一丝羞怯,他低头盯着金边陶瓷杯里被搅起的小小波澜,说:“我本来已经准备让这些事和我的记忆一起消失了,毕竟这对历史来说并不是什么重要的事。你要是想听,我就捡重点讲吧。”
“1958年4月,我在柏林洪堡大学亚洲系读博士,在一个东亚研究项目中做助理,每月能拿到一笔不多的薪水贴补生活。那个时候,东德政府文化部的工作人员会和系里合办一些文化活动,我们就是在一次文化活动后的晚宴上认识的。聊了几回以后,我发现我们都对俄罗斯文学很感兴趣,于是便交换了联系地址——他就住在夏洛滕大街,离我家不远。后来,我们在书店和剧院又遇见了好几次,慢慢地就熟了起来。”
“我的课业很繁重,研究所的事也很多,他比较闲,大部分时候都是他来找我——带着戏票,或者我迟迟找不到的书,节庆时还会带花过来。偶尔我有整天休息的时候,他会邀请我到他家,泡上一壶好红茶,想到什么就聊什么。他家有一架立式钢琴,他心情足够好时,就会弹柴可夫斯基——他弹的肖邦和舒伯特也很好,但是最拿手的还是柴可夫斯基。我记得他家的阳台上种满了白色的玉兰花,花开的时候,就在阳台的栏杆上围成一个弧形,像覆上了一层白雪。”
“那几年,我们老是凑在一起,直到1961年。那一年发生了很多事——我个人的、两个德国的。那一年,学校和学院通过了我的博士毕业论文,我的导师也向我表达了希望我能留校继续进行东亚史研究的意愿,但60年代,东德社会主义建设的热情已经消退,统一社会党的文化政策开始收紧,如果不使用马克思的方法论,恐怕很难在学术界立足,可是我并不认为马克思的方法论就是历史研究的唯一方法论,于是,我私下联系了西边的柏林自由大学,大概等了有一两个月吧,我终于等到了面试通知,面试结束后,我得到了一份教学助理的工作。我记得很清楚,那一天是1961年8月12日。为了庆祝我终于得到工作,先寇布和我在威廉大街的餐厅里挑了一个临街的座位,开了一瓶香槟,他送给我一束白玫瑰和一只他的旧钢笔。我说,我离功成名就的教授还远得很,送钢笔太过了,即使真要给,也不用给这么贵重的。他坚持要我收下,我只好收下了。晚饭后,他和我走到我家楼下,说今晚需要加班,我就让他回去了。第二天早上我再醒来,东柏林就封闭了。”
杨威利稳住颤抖的呼吸,长长地呼出一口气,说:“在那之后,我再也没有见过他。他住在夏洛滕大街的北端,那是东柏林的领土。我曾经尝试过去检查哨附近等,可是——你也知道,能等到的几率微乎其微,只是事情来得太突然,我实在不知道该怎么办,只好日复一日地等,等每一个电话,每一次敲门,每一封来信,等得柏林墙从铁丝网变成了混凝土墙,从装上电网到清出无人区。在我终于快要绝望的时候,柏林墙开放了,东柏林的人像潮水一样涌进西边,检查站的士兵已经懒得检查证件,也不在意是不是有人从反方向走进了东边。我按他在夏洛滕大街上的住址去找他,可是那里早就住进了别人,那一家的女主人说,这是前东德政府分配给他们的住房,他们搬进这里时,房间里空空如也,他们也不知道上一个住在这里的人是谁,最后去了哪里。过去的两年里,我翻遍了东柏林的黄页和每一份解密的东德政府资料,都没有找到他的名字,在前东德文化部的官员名单里,也没有任何关于他的任职记录。去年年底,我看到BStU 向市民开放档案的消息,便想来碰碰运气——不过看来,我的运气并没有那么好。”
“我一直找不到关于他的半点信息,有时候,我放下一沓一无所获的文件,甚至想问自己,这个世界上,真的存在一个叫做华尔特·冯·先寇布的人吗?会不会是我在洪堡读书时太寂寞,于是给自己创造出来一个朋友?”
尤里安刚想接话,杨威利接下来的动作阻止了他——他伸手从西装内兜里掏出一只黑金杆弧光绿百利金钢笔,拇指轻轻摩挲金色的笔夹,轻声说:“可是,这支钢笔是存在的。既然如此,把它给我的人也应该是存在的——至少曾经存在过才对。”
杨威利沉默了,尤里安一时半刻竟找不出一句合适的回复。玻璃橱窗外,细碎的雪花轻盈地散开来,晃晃悠悠地扑向两人身侧的落地玻璃,化成水珠挂在上面。尤里安思忖良久,终于开口说:“我想……对您来说,他一定是一个很重要的人。”
杨威利点点头,说:“你说得对。我来德国纯粹是意料之外的事,如果不是因为中国内战爆发,如果不是因为长春围城在即的消息让我父亲无法再冒险等待美国领事馆的签证,我恐怕不会一个人来这里。虽然做足了心理准备,但刚到柏林时我还是被眼前的景象惊呆了——这已经不能被称为一座城市,这只是一座城市的废墟。和这座城市一起重头来过的还有我的人生——汉语和日语在这里都派不上用场,我得从头学习俄语和德语,我得抛下我的中国父亲和日本母亲,重新建设一个只有我自己的家,我得淡忘我的亚裔身份,努力在一个和东亚截然不同的文化中生存。然而,即使我能做到以上种种,我依然只是一个局外人,当他们需要我为研究所工作时,我就是德国人,当我想用突破西方视域的方法研究历史时,我就是一个亚裔。我的一半日本血统让我在接受SED 政审时困难重重,我在洪堡不多的几个朋友——他们固然非常善良,但由于文化和经历的差异,也很难理解我的处境与心情。先寇布……他是唯一一个能理解我的人。我不知道他是怎么做到的,但我能感觉到,当我在说一句话时,他总能敏锐地察觉到最深处的那个声音。也许正因为我和他相处得过于自然,以致于我渐渐地就把‘他一定会一直在我身边’当成了一件理所当然的事。这是不对的,千里搭长棚,没有不散的筵席,这个道理我明白,只是当真正经历时,才明白个中到底是怎样的滋味。”
杨威利端起面前的咖啡喝了一口又放下,“冷了。”他这样说。
“其实我以前一点也不喜欢喝咖啡,我还老在他调咖啡时冲他说,‘像泥水一样的饮料有什么好喝的’。东柏林封锁后,我总是做梦,梦到枪声、火焰爆炸声和哭声——就像后来我想象中的长春的样子。不然就是失眠,闭着眼睛就是睡不着,心像搁在铁板上,反反复复地煎熬却又不知道该怎么办。有一天,我折腾到凌晨三点半还没睡着,我想,索性就别睡了,于是在柜子里翻出他留下来的半罐雀巢咖啡粉,给自己冲了一杯。结果,那一晚我却睡着了,睡得又香又沉,一觉睡到早上十点半。后来,我终于也开始喝咖啡了。”杨威利用小勺搅拌咖啡的动作停了下来,他抬头看着尤里安,尤里安却觉得他在看向自己之外的远方,“如果他知道这件事,一定又会笑我了。”
第二天上班时,尤里安一直心神不定,前一天和杨威利的对话一直在脑海中闪现。一个令人如此念念不忘的人,为什么会不辞而别,又为什么会丝毫没有在世界上存在过的痕迹?尤里安想起昨天和杨威利告别时他的表情,那个透明的哀伤的眼神令他难以释怀,而他又无能为力。这个世界上,最令人心碎的便是无能为力的哀伤。
下一位市民进来了,他从尤里安手中接过申请表,填好交回到他手中,尤里安拿起申请表走进档案室为他提取档案卡片。Wolfgang Wilhelm Schneider,尤里安一面在心底默念申请人的名字一面用指尖敏捷地翻过一个个档案袋。忽然,当他的视线瞥过一份档案夹顶端的姓名时,他的指尖如触电般缩了回来。他揉揉眼睛,定睛看着眼前档案袋上用黑色钢笔写成的姓名——
Walter von Schönkopf!
这下,尤里安连呼吸也变得紧张起来。他感到上帝在向自己投下一道两难的选择题——只要他动动手指打开这个档案袋,就可以给这场长达三十年的等待和找寻画上句号;然而一旦他擅自打开非本人申请的档案的行为被发现,他铁定会丢掉档案局的工作。尤里安自忖乐于助人,但有必要助人到这个地步吗?尤里安摇摇头,算了,没有必要。他的手指又动了起来,越过了这一个档案袋,直奔这次进入档案室的目标。
拿到施奈德先生的档案后,尤里安将拉开的档案柜推回原位。当他在推最后一个柜子时,滑轮卡了一下,他猛地一用力,重心不稳的身体猛地一晃,左手上的文件和笔掉了出去。尤里安只好蹲下来,重新捡起文件和那支黑色圆珠笔。在握起圆珠笔笔杆时,尤里安的眼前突然出现了杨威利的样子,当时的他握着那支旧百利金钢笔,眼神似水波一般温柔,又似冰川一般冷寂。
豁出去了!尤里安在心里大叫一声,重新拉开了文件柜,迅速翻出那个写着先寇布名字的档案袋。
答案很快就要揭晓了。
尤里安按捺住心脏的剧烈跳动,解开了档案袋的线扣。
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